CLASSIFIED FILE FYEO
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
FROM THE OFFICE OF REDACTED
CASE ID: 1965-TDC (pending)
SYNOPSIS: use of subject as informant in aforementioned case; investigation of suitability for involvement in further covert operations; assessment of political and social allegiances.
FUNCTION IN NARRATIVE: CATAGONIST. HEROPUSS. CATPANION. CATSCALLION.
CRYPTONYMS: That Darn Cat, Puss, Mister C, De Kat, Die Katze, Cat Man, Le Chat, Matou, El Gato, Kotchka, Pusa, Kissa, Kedi, Neko, Mao, Ko-Yang-Ee, REDACTED.
AGE: Exact age unknown, but subject is evidently a fully mature male.
DESCRIPTION: Seal-Point Siamese. [ETA Subject’s Asian ancestry and possible links to regimes in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea to you, Agent Kelso) and Myanmar require further investigation.] Eyes blue. Exhibits enhanced abilities in areas of physical engagement such as leaping, prowling, hiding, scratching and miaowing; it has yet to be established whether or not subject underwent black ops training at REDACTED.
PRINCIPAL CAN-OPENERS: “Patti” and “Ingrid” Randall (Hayley Mills and Dorothy Provine). To the casual eye, bubble-headed and boy-mad, but their unusual autonomy (parents allegedly “abroad”) and, in the case of “Patti” (hitherto to be referred to as Can-Opener One) an unfeasible willingness to embroil herself in an ongoing felony investigation and – in particular – her use of an alias when contacting the FBI, strongly imply the girlish scattiness is a disguise; the possibility that Can-Opener One is a very dangerous young woman and in the pay of foreign agencies ought not to be summarily dismissed.
“Well actually, he isn’t my cat. He isn’t anybody’s cat.”
“You don’t own someone like DC – he’s family.”
“DC’s a cat, he can’t help his instincts. He’s a hunter.”
DETAILS: Subject is adept at stealing food, hiding under the bed and outwitting stupid dogs. He has been observed breaking and entering private premises in order to help himself to food, exhibiting scant regard for property in the process (see attached file containing crime scene photos of damaged crockery). He has also been observed interacting with cats of the opposite sex, with whom he has clearly REDACTED, but which neverthless has reassured our CIA contacts that he has no affiliation whatsoever to the Cambridge Five.
Subject has also exhibited extreme anti-social behaviour, such as stealing a duck, and subsequently opposing Can-Opener One in a game of tug o’ war with aforementioned duck. Subject is furthermore alleged to have molested Benson’s prize albino fantails, left muddy pawprints all over Benson’s freshly-washed car and dug up Mrs Benson’s tulip bulbs. Agent Kelso reports that subject deliberately exacerbated his cat allergy, refused to cooperate by allowing his pawprints to be taken and showed evidence of ninja-like skills in evading surveillance.
COMMENTS: Subject is a formidable and cunning feline who in future could prove very useful to us in the area of REDACTED, in particular when the REDACTED is in the REDACTED and we don’t want REDACTED to find out. His primary motivation appears to be an ongoing quest for food, and he will stop at nothing – stalking, theft, dog-bothering and destruction of property – to obtain it.
Although, in the case that brought the subject to our attention, he was instrumental in leading to the apprehension of a brace of dangerous armed robbers and kidnappers, his role in the drama is, at best, ambiguous. Subject’s character, in fact, appears to be totally amoral, so that one could well imagine an alternative scenario in which his actions might have benefited rather than thwarted the criminals.
CONCLUSION: 1965-TDC is rare case of a Disney project featuring a feline protagonist who is not in the least bit anthropomophised. Subject behaves in a catlike manner throughout the investigation in which he is a primary informant, seemingly heedless of the chaos he sows in his wake and indifferent as to the fate of the agents assigned to tail him; whether or not this is incidental or a sophisticated tactic expressly designed to throw us off the scent is REDACTED.
- History of the Cat in the Dark Ages (part 9) (thegreatcatblog.com)
- [REDACTED] [REDACTED] Game. (angrygeometry.wordpress.com)
- FBI removes many redactions in Marilyn Monroe file (news.yahoo.com)
- Getting the Right Kitten Vaccinations – PetCareRx (petcarerx.com)
- Cat rescued after being trapped under a train (itv.com)
- Will the UK’s first cat café be in London? (confused.com)